13 Arab Men Not to Date

I ran across this article on Facebook the other day.  I am friends with or have dated many of these guys on this list and this list made me laugh. While not all of them are 100% accurate, it does give you some insight into their behavior.  Oh and never say never ladies!  He might be your Arab prince.

http://www.kabobfest.com/2009/03/13-arab-men-you-should-never-date.html

It's a Small Big City

Yesterday, I went to IKEA and saw a group of four people I all know.  Before that, I had been to Ric's Kountry Kitchen for breakfast and saw a coworker.  This morning I ran into someone else while running an errand.  Rarely does it happen when I go out and don't see someone I know.  I am actually shocked when I don't.  What this also means is that when you meet new people here you usually know a mutual person or a friend of a friend.  Try dating in this small sea.

There are several expat groups here in Qatar and I am active in a few.  The idea was to make new friends and do activities in Doha.  As you can imagine these groups are popular with the single crowd.  Not long after I arrived, I met someone through one of these expat groups.  We went out a few times and then he just disappeared.  Well you would normally assume, no big deal and move on.  Not so!  I kept running into him at other activities.  As I grew my group of friends, they all seemed to be friends with him. While other issues have arisen from this the main point of this is that Doha is small and you have to be careful who you go out with and how you handle that relationship when it ends.  My friends are all now aware that this guy is not a guy to date.  My friends have warned me about men they have gone out with.  They aren't all bad guys of course, but we all talk.  This is also a two way street and women need to keep this in mind as well.  My advice would be to not date your friends or within your group of friends here.  Also, if it doesn't go the way you want, be a grown up and end it on a positive note.

Freaks in the City

Do you recall the scene from Friends when Rachel dates a guy with a bad temper (played by Ben Stiller, I think)?  This guy seems perfect but, at the slighest provocation, loses his temper and goes absolutely ballistic?  This sums up yet another Doha date.
I accepted a date with a man who I found to be very intelligent, outgoing and, best of all, genuinely single (reference: previous posts about married men in Doha). Anyway,  we met at a group event and had a nice time talking. We attended two other group events before deciding to go out on our own. We opted for a casual lunch in West Bay and things went well. The next weekend he invited me out again. Our plan was to drive to one of the forts in the desert and then come back to Doha for an early dinner. Before heading to the desert, he needed to stop at a friend's apartment building to pick up an ice chest that he had lended. So we pull up to the building and he calls his friend to let her know that we are waiting downstairs. While we are waiting, a couple of cars come up behind us and honk to indicate that our car is in their way. As it turns out, we are parked in the only lane that gives tenants access to their underground parking garage. Rather than move, my date waves them around and begins to curse under his breath as more cars approach and honk. After 10 minutes, we are still waiting for the friend to come down with the ice chest and, by now, our poor choice of parking has caught the attention of a building security guard. So the guard comes over and asks us to drive to the end of the lane, indicating that we can park in the fire truck zone (don't ask...this is an entirely different problem about living in Doha).  Sure. No problem, I think. The new parking spot is less than 30 feet from where we're currently parked and the friend will clearly see the car when she exits the front door. But what happens next shocked the hell out of me. My date goes absolutely ballistic! He screams at the guard, insulting him with racial remarks, a slew of expletives, and a threat of physical violence! I'll spare the gory details of all that he said, but the basic theme was that we would wait "wherever the f*#$ we want" and the guard couldn't do anything about it because he had no real authority and, if he tried, he would get the $h*# kicked out of him. Charming, right?!? So, in addition to a short fuse, my date demonstrated that he is a racist jerk with a foul mouth and a willingness to engage in physical violence. I couldn't pretend to understand or to act normally after that blow up. I told the guy that I was bothered by his outburst, hoping to hear a reasonable explanation. Nope. He spent five more minutes defending his "right" to park in the only lane leading to the parking garage. Even when his friend came out, he still carried on, telling her she should report the guard to building management because he felt harassed.  wth?!?!?!?
 In the end, I got out of the car and walked to the Intercon to catch a taxi home.
This bad date was topped off when a mutual acquaintance texted me and told me that Mr. Racist Jerk was telling others that I am a b*t@h and trying to salvage his pride by telling them that he only took me out because he wanted to see if I was willing to put out.
Oh, what a lovely ending.  "Dear Diary, Today I met my Prince Charming..."

Hot, Hot, Mixed-Gender Hugging

Some friends and I went out for dinner last night.  A female friend and I were standing in front of the restaurant when our male friend walked up. 

"Hello!  Hi!  How are you doing?  It's so good to see you!"

We stood stiffly, and he commented that he'd like to give each of us a friendly hug, but that of course we can't do that in public in Qatar, even though the gesture would be only friendly and platonic.  I said I'd read about a male expat hugging his mother in the arrivals hall of the airport, and being suddenly surrounded by angry security guards peeling them apart.

After dinner our group came out of the restaurant and onto a relatively deserted street.  "Oh, we can get away with it", I said, "nobody's looking", and we all gave each other a friendly hug goodnight and went our separate ways.

I don't know if it's a formal law that tells us not to hug each other, or just a very strong cultural prohibition.  I'm pretty sure that there is a law against "obscene" contact between the sexes in public.  And yet I do see heterosexual couples in local dress walking hand in hand, or arm in arm, pretty regularly.  I don't see expat couples doing this very often.  It happens rarely enough that I will do a double take when I see a white, Asian, or south Asian hetero couple walking hand in hand on the street or in a mall.

This illustrates one of the challenges of dating in Doha.  The prohibition against touching the other sex in public changes the rhythm of the initial dates.  There's no friendly hug goodnight to show that you'd enjoyed that first date and would like to do it again, but also don't want to promise too much right out of the gate.  There's no flirtatious hand falling onto a forearm as you laugh at the other's joke, "Oh, you're so funny!"  Showing gentle, flirtatious interest is much harder, when you're standing or sitting stiffly, several feet apart. 

You can't get close enough to tell if you like the other person's scent.  Is that one of the reasons that perfume is such a big deal here?

And the press of upper arms against each other as you're sitting in a movie theater becomes a moment laden with meaning.  Is he meaning to touch me?  Am I meaning to touch him?  Is it just that the seats are too small?

If casual touching can only happen in private, that first time you meet a date in private becomes a much bigger deal.  It can feel like a promise of much more.  Maybe you want that.  Maybe you don't.  But how are you going to communicate your intentions?  To verbally set a limit before you meet at someone's place for pizza and a movie seems presumptuous to me, and off-putting.  But to not set a limit risks misunderstanding, at best.

I don't have an answer.  It's just a tricky tightrope to walk.  And very strange to have all of this run through my mind, when I'm just giving a good friend a hug after dinner.

I'm Keeping the Tent

And the sleeping bag, and the carpets too! In other words, how not to date a Saudi guy!  Most women here (and many other places) would balk at dating a guy from Saudi Arabia.  Not me! Oh no, I jumped right in and only after the first weekend together, did I begin to wonder. 

First, how does one meet a guy from a country you aren't allowed to visit, drive in or show your hair?  Why in Qatar of course!  Many Saudi Arabian men go to Bahrain to go out as the opportunities in Saudi are what we would call limited.  Apparently, Qatar is also on the list of places to go as well.  I met this one at an off-roading event. I didn't think much about it because he was from Saudi Arabia and in a thobe.  Although, I did think he was good looking, but figured he was married (as most Arabs are by a certain age).  I should of listened to my initial instinct.

I met him again a few weeks later at another event.  This time it was at a bar.  And no, he wasn't drinking.  We started talking and that surreal thing happened where the whole world fades into the background and it is just the two of you talking.  Wait no, that might have been the two mojitos...  Anyway, I say I am hungry and he suggests we go eat.  In the elevator at the restaurant he gives me a brief kiss.  Later he holds my hand. Both of which are not allowed here and definitely not allowed between a Muslim man and a Christian woman.  I end up inviting him to two other things that weekend.  We spend most of the weekend together.  He promises to return the next weekend.

But I begin to wonder, should I be doing this?  Could I get into trouble?  Is he married (he says he is divorced)?  What would happen if this got serious?  I did some research and learned some important questions to ask besides the obvious one. I got nervous as the hour of his arrival came that next weekend.  After we met and had dinner I brought up my concerns.  I asked if he would ever tell his family about me?  Would they be okay with me?  I know very serious questions for a second meeting, but I knew I had to ask before anything went further.  He said he couldn't tell his family.  They were too conservative for that.  That told me all I needed to know.  This was never going anywhere.  I also asked several times about him being married.  I got the long version of why he wasn't married. 

Everything was telling me to end it.  But I didn't.  I spent the whole weekend with him again. I was given a tent, a sleeping bag and two carpets. We had talked about camping, but I didn't expect to receive my own kit of Saudi camping gear! Saturday night after he left, I met a friend of his. Cause Doha is tiny!  Our mutual friend mentioned to him I was seeing his friend and he says, but he's married!  After pulling some teeth, I get it out of him that he is technically still married.  He may not consider himself married, because him and his two(!) wives don't live together.  Lesson learned!

So my advice to any woman dating in Doha, ask, ask and ask his friends! And keep the tent!

Dirty words

The dirtiest words I've heard in Doha:  "Mobile number?"

Let me explain...

A few months ago I went to a local grocery store.  A small, simple one, nothing fancy.  As I pulled into the parking space an older Qatari man pulled in next to me, in his SUV.  There was brief eye contact, a smile and nod, and we went into the store separately.

As I walked through the store we crossed paths occasionally, and again, as most American do, I smiled a little and gave a quick nod.

We checked out around the same time, I put my groceries into the car, got in, and was about to start the car when he came over and knocked on my window.  I opened it.

I can't remember exactly what was said, but it became clear that he didn't speak more than a couple of words of English, and I speak no Arabic.  He indicated that he was Qatari, asked my nationality, and kept talking.  I tried to indicate that I didn't understand him.  He leaned on the edge of my window, and gestured, with his hands coming into the car, chucking me lightly under the chin.

None of this felt particularly threatening, but in a world where western expat women don't interact with locals, let alone local men, it did seem strange.

He asked for my mobile (cell phone) number, and I had a warning twinge in my gut.  I said no, if we don't speak the same language, what would we talk about on the phone?  He pressed the point a little bit, but eventually I was able to disengage and drive away.

I was left confused.  Had I just been hit on?  Was this a Qatari man proud of his country who would want to invite me home to dinner with his wives?  Had I just dodged a creepy bullet, or just missed a chance to make a rare personal connection with a local?

A few days later I was having lunch with a Kuwaiti friend.  I told her the story, asked if she thought he was hitting on me.

Oh, yes, she said.  He was absolutely hitting on me.

There is no way that he ever would have acted like that with a Khaleeji woman, particularly the way he got into my personal space, and touched me, however briefly.

And let me be clear about what was being implied.  This man is surely married, probably to more than one woman.  He would not be suggesting a pleasant dinner, conversation, getting to know one another and building international goodwill.  No, he was assuming, and hoping, that a western woman is up for anything, at a moment's notice and with little preamble.  Though he was probably using more flowery language, this was a raw come-on, pure and simple.

A few weeks later I went back to the same store, and again, an older Qatari man in his giant SUV parked next to me.  This time I tried to avoid eye contact.  We went inside, and moments after we passed the row of shopping carts he grunted out to me, "Mobile number?"

This time, knowing what that meant, I pasted a dramatic scowl on my face, wagged my finger at him, and said with as much disdain as I could, "No, no, no!"

I still saw him several more times as I did my shopping, glaring at him whenever we passed.  He finished more quickly than I did and was gone by the time I got back to my car.

For the next few days, whenever I thought about this, I felt dirty.  A stranger saying "Mobile number" had felt as gross to me as seeing a flasher on an American subway.

But it WAS gross.  The assumptions that these men make about western women, about our sexual behavior and standards, are gross.  Their treatment of us in ways that they would never treat local women, in ways that would distress them if a man behaved this way toward their women relatives, is gross.

But it's a little funny too.  I am a middle aged, educated woman, who works in a field that is often stereotyped as asexual.  At this point in my life I was not expecting to be painted as a woman of easy virtue.  But I guess it's never too late.

A Business Proposition

I thought I was prepared for almost any Doha dating scenario.  But this was a new one.
So, let me introduce you to: "I-don't want-to-date-but-I-need-a-woman-to-accompany-me-to-business-related-social-events" guy.

After 2 months of phone calls, texts, and a few lunches (he lives in Dubai, but works in Doha most weeks), this person invites me for dinner. We went to a lovely restaurant where he dropped an unexpected business proposal: He told me he needed an arm-charm for social business dinners. He would hire someone, but he wanted someone from a country that is not associated with paid escorts.  Further, he wanted someone professional, age-appropriate (not a 20 yr. old), and intelligent enough to have conversation with his American/European business associates and their wives (this person is from the Middle East but educated in the U.S.). In other words, he wanted a woman that others would view as his stable, respectable dating interest.   Because he was so direct about what he wanted, I didn't feel angry or offended. After a bit of discussion, I learned that he was not offering money.  Rather he was offering, to use his words: "A night out with a good looking guy at some very nice restaurants.  And you'll meet interesting people. And you won't have to pay for taxis."

Honestly, if he was already a trusted friend, I would go to some of his dinners. But I couldn't agree to go to these events with someone who would have been just as fine with a local hire IF the local hire wasn't clearly viewed as a local hire.

As a side note, he answered his phone twice during the meal without acknowledging the disruption.  And he seemed relieved when I opted to take a taxi home.  He didn't offer the slightest protest which told me I was already kicked off the island.

So, single women of Doha, this guy is still out there.  And I far as I know, he still needs an arm-charm.  If this appeals to you, then you're in for some very nice dinners.  By the way, he dresses beautifully and smells amazing.  Sigh...